A sexual problem can start affecting your relationship before either of you really knows what to make of it.

Maybe you lost your erection one night and brushed it off.

But then it happened again. And now you’re wondering what your partner thinks about it.

At the same time, they may be wondering something completely different.

Did I do something wrong? Are they still attracted to me? Is this going to keep happening?

Neither of you has to say any of that out loud for sex to start feeling different.

That’s when something that may have started with your body can begin changing what happens between the two of you.

This essay was informed by a conversation with Dr. Jennifer Litner, an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist and Supervisor and the founder of Embrace Sexual Wellness in Chicago.

When the Problem Starts Feeling Bigger

Dr. Litner described a shift she often sees after a sexual problem happens more than once or twice.

It starts to “become a thing.”

You’re no longer only thinking about the erection that didn’t cooperate.

Now you’re wondering whether you disappointed your partner or whether they’re going to see you differently.

And if you already feel responsible for making sure sex goes well, one difficult night can start feeling like evidence that you’re failing at something important.

The same problem can feel very different when you really care about the person on the other side of it.

Your Partner May Be Reading It Differently

Your partner is trying to make sense of what happened too.

You may be thinking: I hope they don’t think I’m bad at sex.

Meanwhile, they may be thinking: I hope this doesn’t mean they’re not attracted to me anymore.

Neither of you has to be right for those fears to start changing how you act around each other.

You may get quieter because you’re embarrassed. Your partner notices the distance and assumes something is wrong between you. They pull back because they don’t want to pressure you.

Now both of you are trying to help, but neither of you knows what the other person is actually worried about.

Sometimes it helps more to talk about what each of you is actually afraid the problem means.

Avoidance Can Quietly Become the New Normal

Once sex starts feeling loaded, avoiding it can feel easier than risking another awkward night.

You stop initiating because you don’t want the pressure.

Your partner notices and gives you more space.

Neither of you is trying to create distance.

But after a while, you’re having less sex and neither of you is quite sure how to bring it back up.

You Don’t Have to Fix It Before You Talk About It

There’s an understandable instinct to figure the problem out on your own first.

Find the cause. Fix it. Then talk about it once you have an answer.

But if it’s already changing how you act around your partner, they’re already part of what’s happening.

You don’t need to have the cause figured out before you talk about that.

You can tell your partner:

“I’m not totally sure what’s going on yet, but I don’t want you thinking this means I’m not attracted to you.”

That may clear up something your partner has been quietly worrying about while you’ve been worrying about something else entirely.

If you’re struggling to find the words, it can help to start with what you’ve actually been experiencing instead of trying to explain a cause you don’t understand yet.

Sex Therapy Doesn’t Have to Be a Last Resort

Dr. Litner wishes more people saw sex therapy as something they could use before the problem becomes deeply entrenched.

You don’t need to wait until your relationship is falling apart or sex has disappeared completely.

If the two of you keep getting stuck around the same issue, or you’ve started avoiding sex because dealing with it feels harder, talking with someone may help.

And that doesn’t necessarily mean years of therapy.

Dr. Litner noted that sometimes a few sessions can be enough to say things out loud, understand the pattern better, and stop reinforcing it. She also sees people wait until shame and avoidance have had much more time to settle in.

Talking with a sex therapist doesn’t mean you stop looking into anything that may have changed physically. The two can happen at the same time.

What Happens Between You Matters Too

You don’t have to know exactly what caused the first difficult sexual experience before dealing with what happened afterward.

If it has started changing what happens between you, that deserves attention too.

Addressing that doesn’t mean deciding the original problem was psychological or blaming your partner.

It just means you don’t have to leave both of you alone with whatever story you’ve each started telling yourselves.

About the expert: Dr. Jennifer Litner holds a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from Northwestern University and a PhD and MEd in Human Sexuality Studies from Widener University. She lectured at The Family Institute at Northwestern, supervises emerging sex therapists, and offers education for parents, healthcare professionals, and global audiences on sex-positive topics.